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There will come a time in your life that you will stop looking in the past and start living the present. 

It has been a month or so when I started to wonder. Just wonder about life and related stuff. My life has not been easy since my mother died. I was 12 and, to say the least, I was not prepared for life. I was in the fairytale world and I was protected from the hurt of the real world. I had my parents one day and only a father the next.

I hate math because when I was young it was my father who tutored me math and I remembered being so scared of giving the wrong answer because I know I will get a slap. 

I remembered only two things after my mother died: sadness and school. 

I was me when I was in school. I was with familiar people. I was with the people I was with since kindergarten. I felt safe.

At home felt different. I have to deal with being an elder sister, a student, me, my father, and people who say not so nice things. 

I don’t remember much because when I look back all I remember was the pain. That I was hurting. I was crying. I remember wanting to pack my bags and run away. I remember writing a letter of why I ran away while tears fall. Lots of tears.

I take people for granted because I never trust people. 

The friends I have I take for granted because I don’t trust myself. I hate who I was and I cannot let go of the pain because if I did I will forget why I cried and why I did not just ran away. Pain is who I am. What else can I be?

We were poor. And I hated that too. I blamed my father and I hated him too. I was in pain and I don’t care. I was drowning in my sadness and in my world I had no one. It felt that way.

When I went to college I grew out of my sadness and I embraced my “independence”.

I forgot my sadness and then all I wanted was to be happy. Even if it does not linger. I wanted to go home so late that all I need to do was sleep. 

Dreaming was always a sweet escape.

Forward to now, I have learned my lessons. I know how to deal with reality, sometimes. I learned to appreciate. 

Dealing with negativity is what I do try to avoid. Well, not try but really avoid. I have unfriended people. Stray from people that emits negativity.

I unfriended you because I feel that you don’t want me in your life or you’d rather not deal with me or you got fed up or whatever reason/s you have.

I got to the point where I don’t care what you do or think or say. I will stay out of your way. 

Courtesy. Love because it is in my DNA.    

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